The question to which I still do not have the proper answer! Although the meanings of these words are completely opposite (or are they?), today I am starting to consider both of them as synonyms. When it comes to literary theory, not many words come to mind when trying to read it, apart from these two, especially when in front of you there lies an innocent document entitled Kristeva-Powers of Horror. And that’s where my story begins. I opened the file. I unleashed the monster that now dwells on my shoulder, trying to confuse me each time I read a sentence. This endless mission becomes mind threatening, altering the mind’s state precisely from that, from struggling to suffering. In this case, my struggle to try and understand, from my first attempt (pretty ambitious, I might add), the powers that the words like abject and jouissance hold in this theory of human body and its functions, narcissism, the Other, the sublime, ego and superego, equates every second with my suffering when trying to connect all the dots which my mind is deliberately trying to erase, so there is always some small, almost insignificant part which is missing and therefore I am in danger of missing the point of the whole thing. It is very interesting, though, how the things that we are ashamed or afraid of mentioning in a civil and proper conversation, like the excrement of the body, the smell and the visual aspect of the dying cadaver, which is thought to be the ultimate abject object in this theory, can become so important when consumed by the logical thought of an individual like Kristeva. It is fascinating how the struggle to understand such a theory becomes an endless suffering of one’s own mind which craves for more with each sentence, transcending into the sublime dimension and reaching its ultimate goal-understanding.
I am lost. For now. But, there is still hope…it’s only when I lose myself, that I find myself again.